MAHILIG ka bang MAGHUBAD sa FACEBOOK?
KUNG sa tingin mo sexy ka… kaya ka nagpo-post ng bikini/underwear pictures mo sa facebook?
"I'll be popular after this!"
Panoorin mo ito:
AFTER mo’ng mapanood ‘yung video sa itaas, sa tingin mo makakalusot ka ‘pag tinanggal mo na ‘yung mga pa-sexy mong litrato sa facebook?
"Oh, NO! What have I done?!!"
Panoorin mo ito:
Remember, you will eventually GROW OLD and will probably have kids.
When I’m Alone I *bleep* Myself…
HERE’S my favorite song this week:
You know that I am called THE COUNT
Because I really love to *bleep*
Sometimes I sit and *bleep* all day
Sometimes I get carried away
**REFRAIN:
I *bleep* slowly, slowly, slowly getting faster
Once I start *bleep-ing* it’s very hard to stop
HEY!
Faster, faster, it is so exciting
I could *bleep* forever
*Bleep* until I drop– Hah!
1…2…3…4 — 1,2,3,4 — 1,2,3,4 —
1, 2… I love *bleep-ing* whatever the amount
Hah-hah!
1,2,3,4… Hey-yeh-yeh-yeh…. hey-yeh-yeh-yeh
1,2,3,4… 1,2– that’s the song of the Count
I *bleep* the spiders on the wall
I *bleep* the cobwebs on the hall
I *bleep* the candles on the shelf
When I’m alone I *bleep* Myself
Repeat **REFRAIN
(AND NOW FOR THE MELODY, CLICK THE VIDEO BELOW)
Tired of Waiting? … CLICK THIS INSTEAD.
LOVE LETTER
Dear Koya,
IT was jazz an ordinary day. The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw! Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila na rin ako. Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng :
“Indaaayyyyy….”
Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now? “Dodong!” sigaw ko. Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be loud and proud.” Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.
“Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open?” tanong nya.
“Bihira lang, Dodong. I’m just droppings by. Ethnic ang schedule ko eh” sabi ko. Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. He’s every woman’s dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.
“Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?” tanong ni Dodong. “I don’t mine,” sagot ko.
Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. “What’s your odor sir?” sabi nung waiter kay Dodong. “Do you have porkshop?” tanong ni Dodong. “Yes sir” sabi nito. “Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and was completed. It also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully,” dagdag pa niya.
“And you mam?” sabay tingin naman sa akin. Hmmm.. Mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I’m cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko. “I’ll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh,” sagot ko.
Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it’s a long, long, way to run. “Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I’m happily married” pagmamalaki ko. “Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn’t expect you still have more feelings than I expected. I don’t want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect.” dagdag ko pa. Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.
“I don’t care less!” sigaw ni Dodong.
Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To think it’s his other woman that caused our separation to part. Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong. “Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?” sabi ko sa mamang guard. “Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure.” sagot niya. “Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got lost in my eyes.” “Diretso lang.”sabi niya. “Then turn right anytime with care.” “Thanks for your corporation” sabi ko. Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag-disappear nya. “Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!” pananakot nya.
Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar. Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it’s all over. I’m out of arm’s way. “Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you.?” bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya “I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout but at first I didn’t give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then I give it a thought. I know something is a missed.”
Prom then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn’t even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga. Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa’t isa at walang exhibitions.
I feel I’m on cloud line.
Same to you,
INDY
PHOTOSHOP vs. PORNO
I’VE always wanted to be a collector but I couldn’t decide what to collect.
I do have a criteria:
Should be cheap.
Should be something I like.
Should be worth more than what I paid for in the future (at least to some ignorant fool).
I wanted to collect comicbooks at first (I just love ’em covers) but they are so expensive. Plus you meet these collectors who look at you like “Who the hell are you trying to ask for X-Men No. 1? You don’t even look like you can afford it!”
Well, they’re right. I did look like the ignorant fool. Good thing they didn’t like me, though. At least it prevented me from being a member of a society of men who cling on to pre-adolescent obsessions. So, I moved on to a more mature preoccupation: Adult Magazines.
It’s definitely a toss up between Hefner’s Playboy or Flynt’s Hustler. Both get my tick mark for being “something that I like” and might be “worth more than what I paid for in the future.” But just like having a mistress from a whorehouse, maintaining this kind of erotica collection will be hard to sustain financially. They’re like hot coal in your pants, burning a hole in your pocket at first, then giving your thigh a third degree.
Living in a third-world country sometimes limits your choices to third-rate materials. Yes, compared to the first two, FHM isn’t really scorching hot. But it’s still warm enough for those cold, rainy nights. And when I started my old collection, around the first months of 2000 AD, believe it or not, back then it had a retail price of 100 pesos (roughly 2 USD before the recession)– unbelievably cheap like your friendly neighborhood pokpok. FHM didn’t burn my pocket but filled its corners with something else. Like an old Van Morrison song, it filled my heart with gladness and took away all my sadness. Because like it or not, being an FHM subscriber meant I am now officially a collector. (Hah!)
I enjoyed being a collector. Nothing beats getting your freshly printed, plastic covered copy every month before mere mortals who buy their copy from the newsstands. I enjoyed the freebies you get in between the pages, like beer coasters, bookmarkers, and once, even a CD of Patricia Javier’s first and last attempt to get a singing career going.
I enjoyed reading all the informative articles it provided, the friendly banter between the editor Eric Ramos, FHM’s intelligent readers (like me, I assumed) and the people who think publishing a magazine like this is a big slap to Filipino values. At least, I thought, a little spanking will help some of us remember that we did have some. Values, I mean.
I also enjoyed the ladies of FHM. I’d be an obvious fag if I didn’t mention this. It’s really like having a different girlfriend every month. A girlfriend who’s a 10, but willing to take her clothes off just to please lil’-ol’-loser-me.
My relationship with my FHM girlfriends (coupled by my sudden fascination with anything Nivea) went on, and on and on… until.
I noticed something peculiar: All my girlfriends in between the pages of my one and only collection are missing their… nipples?!
I couldn’t believe it myself. But then, if a girl’s chest is covered only with an actual fisherman’s fishing net, logic says there should be a prune or two showing in between the strands somewhere–yet, there was none!
A picture of a model in dripping wet t-shirt should at least have a shadow of a black sago, right? Wrong. The sago, nor its shadow is disappointingly not there. I’m no expert in CG but I’ll know a photoshop layer- masking trick if I see one.
Like what my Science teachers have taught me… I therefore conclude that the nipples have been erased! (Duh?)
To support this hypotheses, I started scanning the rest of my collection and discovered that the missing nipples mystery started only in the last quarter issues of FHM 2000. Meaning, the first batch were yummier than the last batch which tasted a bit stale if you ask me.
That’s when I decided I had to stop collecting repressed versions of my fantasies. Who would want a censored version of a supposed attempt at erotic art. It definitely violated FHM press freedom, the models’ freedom of expression, and of course, my human rights. Also, my human lefts. For there were times I did use both right and left.
The December 2000 ish was the last time I held an FHM mag. I wanted to write to Eric Ramos to tell him the jig was up. But he resigned before I got to writing a scathing letter. I think he was as principled as I am that a man’s magazine has got to do what a man’s magazine should do: tickle our funny bone and boner. To this single act of courage against the powers that be, I salute Eric Ramos for blazing the trail and starting a revolution in men’s magazine.
The FHM year 2000 started with a bang with Eric and ended up with a ffttt with a wannabe. The fire blazed, fizzled and then it was gone too soon.
My FHM January to December 2000 collection of nipple-less models has now started its own collection of… dust.
It looks cheap.
I don’t like it anymore.
And you might see it on Ebay next week. (aLjI08)
Paano kung mali para sa ‘yo si MR. RIGHT?
(LJI) LAHAT ng lalaki na nanliligaw—nambobola rin.
Madali lang magsabi ng “I love you” pero mahirap pangatawanan ng salitang ito.
So—tanong ng isa kong kaibigang babae—ano ang pagkakaiba ng sinungaling sa seryoso?
Kung babae ka, sampung tanong lang ang dapat mong sagutin kung gusto mo talagang malaman kung totoong mahal ka nga ng syota mo.
Una: Nabigyan ka na ba niya ng bulaklak?
Kung hindi ka niya kayang bigyan ng napakasimpleng halaman (na puwedeng pitasin kahit sa tabi ng kalye), ano pa ang maaasahan mong maibibigay niya sa iyo?
Pangalawa: May naibigay na ba siya sa iyong “lovenote”?
Importante ang “lovenote” (sa papel man o sa text) kasi he’s putting his feelings in black and white, na puwede ring i-printed. In any court case, legal document na ito as proof of his undying love.
Pangatlo: Kaya ka ba niyang titigan nang matagal habang sinasabi ang “I love you.”
Maraming lalaki na sasabihing korni ang pag-a-“I love you”. Kung hindi niya kayang mag-exert man lang ng effort na sabihin ito sa harap mo, magduda ka na. Baka nga hindi ka niya mahal.
Pang-apat: Naipakilala ka na ba niya sa parents niya?
‘Eto ang secret girls—‘yung mga totoong mahal lang ng mga lalaki ang ipinapakilala nila sa mga magulang nila. Bihira itong gawin ng boys kasi, mahirap na kada buwan e iba ang ipinapakilala mo sa parents mo. Kahit ako, sa dinami-dami ng naging syota ko (ehermm…), ‘yung naging misis ko lang ang nakarating sa amin.
Panglima: Naaalala ba niya ang “monthsary” n’yo?
Kung lagi niya itong kinakalimutan ngayon pa lang, mas marami siyang makakalimutan sa darating pang panahon. Ang masama baka ikaw na ang kasunod na ma-erase sa memory niya.
Pang-anim: Nililibre ka ba niya tuwing date n’yo?
Kung ikaw ang laging gumagastos sa date n’yo, ganito rin ang mangyayari kung sakaling magkatuluyan kayo. Ikaw ang magtatrabaho at gagastos for your future family—believe me.
Pangpito: Nagho-holding hands ba kayo in public?
Ang PDA (Public Display of Affection) ang pinakakongretong katunayan na proud siya na kasama ka. Na nawawala siya sa sarili niya tuwing magkatabi kayo. Na ikaw lang ang mahalaga sa moment na ‘yun. Kung hindi niya kayang gawin ito, natatakot ‘yan na baka may makakita sa inyo—malamang ‘yung iba pa niyang girl friend o mga kaibigan ng girl friend niya, o ‘yung mismong misis niya..
Pangwalo: Madalas mo ba siyang kasama sa loob ng isang linggo?
Kung once a week mo lang nakakasama ang boyfriend mo, don’t expect na uuwi ‘yan sa bahay n’yo everyday kung sakaling kasal na kayo. ‘Yung mga ganitong lalaki, laging nasa lakwastahan, kabarkada o trabaho (kunyari). Kung uuwi man ‘yan, gabi na palagi kung kelan tulog ka na.
Pangsiyam: Nasigawan ka na ba niya?
‘Eto ang pinakamasama na puwedeng gawin ng boyfriend mo sa iyo. Kahit matagal na kayong mag-on, he has no right na sigawan ka niya dahil wala siyang karapatan. Legally speaking, he’s a stranger shouting at you. Wala kayong binding agreement na puwede ka niyang talakan or mag-feeling superior. Just imagine kung mister mo na ‘yan—baka hindi lang sigaw ang aabutin mo. Leave this kind of guy as soon as possible.
Pangsampu: Mas madalas ka bang umiiyak o tumatawa ‘pag kasama ka?
Ang love dapat nagpapasaya sa iyo. Kung mahal ka ng lalaki, dapat gagawin niya ang lahat para mapasaya ka niya. Kung puro problema, pasakit at sama ng loob lang ang ibinibigay niya sa iyo—DO NOT EXPECT THIS SITUATION TO CHANGE. Isa itong sneak preview ng magiging buhay mo kung magkakatuluyan nga kayo as husband and wife.
Sabi nga ng kasabihan, pakasalan mo ‘yung taong minamahal ka kahit hindi mo masyadong feel at ‘wag yung taong mahal na mahal mo na hindi ka naman feel.
At ituring mo na napakalaking blessing kung suwerte kang mahal ka rin ng minamahal mo dahil bihira na nga itong mangyari.
(visual from brendapool.com)
CyberSex Anyone?
(LJI)
Ayon sa Wikipedia ang cybersex ay…
…Synonymous to “computer sex”, “internet sex” or “net sex”. It is a “virtual sex encounter” in which two or more persons connected remotely via a computer network send one another sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. It is a form of role-playing in which the participants pretend they are having actual sexual relations to arouse each other. Cybersex can be accomplished through the use of Usernames in a multiuser software environment, like YM, MSN, wordpress (i’m kidding!) or any internet website chatroom.
SEXAMPLE (translated from bash.org):
GalitnasiPedro: Hi, Lakambini. ASL?
Lakambini: 20 F Pasay. Kaw?
GalitnasiPedro: 22 M Makati. Private Message?
Lakambini: K
GalitnasiPedro: (in PM mode) What do you look like?
Lakambini: (in PM mode) 5’3” in height. Nakapula akong silk blouse ngayon, maong na mini-skirt at black high heels. 36-24-36 ang measurements ko sabi ng gym instructor ko. Ikaw?
GalitnasiPedro: I’m 6’2″. 280 pounds. Cute ako kaso I wear thick glasses. Naka-pajama ako ngayon at T-shirt na natapunan ng ketchup. Kumain kasi kami ng galunggong kani-kanina lang dinner. LOL
Lakambini: LOL. R u feelin hot? Wanna cyber?
GalitnasiPedro: Ah, OK
Lakambini: Isipin mo nasa bedroom tayo. May lovesong na tumutugtog sa CD player. Dim light kasi scented candles lang ang ilaw. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
GalitnasiPedro: Ambilis mo naman. Napalunok ako. Pinagpapawisan nang malamig.
Lakambini: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
GalitnasiPedro: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. Nanginginig ang mga braso ko.
Lakambini: I’m moaning softly.
GalitnasiPedro: Dahan-dahan kong inaalis ang malambot mong blouse.
Lakambini: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
GalitnasiPedro: Napa-igwas ako dahil sa kiliti… Ay! napunit ko ang blouse mo. Sorry.
Lakambini: Ok lang. Mura lang naman ang bili ko diyan. Lmao.
GalitnasiPedro: Bayaran ko na lang.
Lakambini: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
GalitnasiPedro: Ah, e… HIndi ko mabuksan ang bra mo. Mahigpit ang lock. May gunting ka ba dyan?
Lakambini: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
GalitnasiPedro: How did you do that? Yumuko ako.. para pulutin ang bra mo sa sahig. Tinitignan ko kung paano mo nabuksan?
Lakambini: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
GalitnasiPedro: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your… you know, breasts. Hihi. They’re nice!
Lakambini: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
GalitnasiPedro: I suddenly sneezed. Your breasts are now covered with spit and phlegm.
Lakambini: What?
GalitnasiPedro: I’m so sorry. Ganu’n kasi ako ‘pag nahahatsing.
Lakambini: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
GalitnasiPedro: I’m taking the wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop… puno nga talaga ito ng plema at dura. Eeww.
Lakambini: OK. I’m pulling your pajamas down and rubbing your hard tool.
GalitnasiPedro: Eeeeeeeeee!!!! Napatili ako. Malamig ang kamay mo!
Lakambini: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
GalitnasiPedro: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… Wait… wait a minute.
Lakambini: What’s the matter?
GalitnasiPedro: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Kaahhk! KaaahhKK!! << choking
Lakambini: Are you OK?
GalitnasiPedro: Kaaahhkk!! Khaaakh!! Ubo! Ubo! Cough! Cough!
Lakambini: Can I help?
GalitnasiPedro: Napatakbo ako sa kusina. Kailangan ko ng tubig. Kaaahhk!!! Saan mo nilalagay ‘yung mga baso n’yo?
Lakambini: ????
GalitnasiPedro: I’m drinking a glass of water. There, that’s better.
Lakambini: Come back to me, lover.
GalitnasiPedro: Teka, huhugasan ko muna ang baso. Nakakahiya naman.
Lakambini: I’m on the bed arching for you.
GalitnasiPedro: Pinupunasan ko muna ang baso at ibabalik sa cabinet. Baka magalit nanay mo. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. TekA, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom nga ulit?
Lakambini: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
GalitnasiPedro: I found it.
Lakambini: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
GalitnasiPedro: Me too.
Lakambini: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
GalitnasiPedro: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. Dinidiinan mo ang salamin ko. It hurts.
Lakambini Why don’t you take off your glasses?
GalitnasiPedro: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. Oh, well. Hinubad ko ang salamin ko at inilagay sa side table.
Lakambini: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
GalitnasiPedro: Teka, teka.. iihi muna ako. Gumegewang-gewang akong nagmamadali papunta sa banyo. I can’t see well. Sa’n na nga ba salamin ko?
Lakambini: Hurry back, lover.
GalitnasiPedro: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Lakambini: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
GalitnasiPedro: Madlim sa banyo. Hindi ko Makita ang ilaw. Ihing-ihi na ako! Ahhhh… ditto na lang… Oooops.
Lakambini: What’s the matter now?
GalitnasiPedro: Naihian ko ‘yung laundry hamper mo. Sorry ulit. HIndi ko napigil. Akala ko bowl.
Lakambini: Mmm, OK. Come on.
GalitnasiPedro: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …Pedro…in your…you know…alam mo na.
Lakambini: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
GalitnasiPedro: I’m touching your smooth pwet. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Lakambini: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
GalitnasiPedro: Teka… teka… lumambot.
Lakambini: What?!!!<< asar na
GalitnasiPedro: Lumambot si Pedro… ayaw nang tumayo…
Lakambini: I’m standing up and turning around; Nakakainsulto naman ‘yan.
GalitnasiPedro: I’m getting sad. Tumayo na ako sa kama. Kukunin ko ang salamin ko para tignan nang malapitan si Peds.
Lakambini: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse na puno ng plema mo!
GalitnasiPedro: No wait! Kinakapa ko kung saan ko pinatong ang salamin ko… kapa… kap…Nasagi ko ang scented candles mo… natumba… papunta sa…
Lakambini: I’m buttoning my blouse. Nagbibihis na ako. Now I’m putting on my heels.
GalitnasiPedro: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. OH, NOOO! ‘Yung kandila… nasusunog ang kurtina ng kuwarto… Ahhhhh!!!! Suuunoooggg!!!.
Lakambini: Go to hell. Putangina mo! I’m logging off. Loser!!!
GalitnasiPedro: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Helllppp!!!! Nanaangkupooo!!!
LAKAMBINI HAS JUST SIGNED OUT
WARNING: Never Kiss With Your Eyes Closed!
(LJI)
MASARAP humalik.
Minsan sa sobrang sarap napapapikit ka. Bakit ka napapapikit? Mas dumudoble daw ang sense of touch kapag walang sense of sight. Kaya nga nakaka-survive ang mga bulag, ‘di ba? Kaya rin siguro may kasabihang “Love is Blind” kasi tuwing kasama mo ‘yung mahal mo, para kang nakapikit palagi– wala kang nakikita. Pero ramdam na ramdam mo ang lahat nang nangyayari sa inyo.
Masama rin siyempre ang “Love is Blind” dahil mahirap na hindi nakikita ang mga nangyayari sa inyo. Lalo na sa IYO. Kasabihan nga, usually you’re the last to know, the last to notice, the last na nagtitiis. Until you remove your blinders to see the truth.
This video is a WARNING. Isang dahilan kung bakit masama ang maging bulag sa pag-ibig at bulag sa katotohanan na minsan iba ang sinasabi ng napakasarap na sense of touch, kesa sa mas totoong sense of sight.
CLICK THE VIDEO BELOW and enjoy the feeling of those very soft, wet, lying lips.
How To Pick-up Girls-Boys-Bakla-Tomboys (sort of)
BIBIGYAN ko kayo ng step-by-step na instructions based from experience kung papaano makipagkilala sa bar, club, mall, party, saklaan, peryahan, etc. Remember, boy , girl, veykla o tibs ka man applicable ang teknik na ito. This will get you the “keys to the VIP” (Vilibid In Prison-ahehe!).
1. MAKIPAGTITIGAN –Mag-beautiful eyes ka muna sa tina-target mong babae/lalaki: Ayon sa barkada kong Japayuki, isa sa pinakaayaw ng girls ay ‘yung may bigla na lang sumusulpot sa likuran nila at nagsasabi ng napakalakas na “MISS, PWEDE BANG MAKIPAGKILALA?! Kahit ikaw rin, kung may complete stranger na lalapit sa ‘yo at nagulat ka, magsususpetsa ka rin agad na masamang tao ito. Kaya umaayaw daw kaagad sila. At oo, tumatakbo nga ‘yung iba at nagsusumbong sa baranggay.
2. MAGPAPANSIN—Kung hindi tumitingin sa iyo ang target girl, magpapansin ka: Tumawa ka nang malakas at magsalita ka nang malakas (siguraduhin mo lang na may kausap ka kung gagawin mo ito. Baka mapagkamalan kang may topak kung mag-isa ka lang). Magpatawa ka, madapa ka, umubo ka nang malakas. Or magsayaw ka nang kakaiba: kung nagbe-breakdance sila sa dancefloor, mag-cha-cha ka bigla. Anything na makakatawag nang pansin, para mapatingin siya sa iyo.
3. MAGPAKIPOT—Kung sa pagpapapansin mo ay mapatingin nga siya, tumingin ka rin lang muna sa kanya ‘tapos biglang iwas ng tingin. Kunwari, hindi mo napansin na nakatingin siya sa iyo. Patikim-tikim lang. ‘Wag ka munang lalapit o magre-react at either natatakot pa rin ‘yan sa iyo o iniisip niyan, KSP ka (dahil malakas kang magsalita), certified loser ka (dahil nadapa ka), may TB ka (dahil malakas kang umubo) o isa kang weirdo (dahil hanggang ngayon cha-cha pa rin ang alam mo). So, take it easy, build-up sexual tension first and wait for the best moment to attack.
4. MAKIPAG-NGITIAN–Pagkatapos ng Step 1 and 2, I’m sure titingin ‘yan ulit, guaranteed. Dagdagan mo ngayon ng ingredient ang sexual tension na ito: Ngumiti ka sa kanya or tumango (parang slight bow, head only), kumindat, mag-double raised eyebrow, o kahit anong movement na mag-a-acknowledge na nakita mong nakatingin din siya sa iyo. Kung gusto ka rin niyan, titingin siya ulit; hindi siya ngingiti pero titingin ‘yan ulit… at ulit… at ulit. Importanteng tandaan mo, never exaggerate: ‘Wag kang magbu-blow ng kiss, or aarte na parang binabaril mo siya with your pointed finger and thumb tapos hihipan mo ‘yung forefinger mo dahil kunwari may usok na lumabas.
5. MAGBILANG— lang beses ka ba niyang tiningnan? Ilang beses mo ba siyang nginitian? Dito mo mage-gauge kung maitataas mo pa ang level ng relasyon ninyong dalawa. Next questions: Ngumingiti ba siya kung tumitingin siya? (Ibig sabihin: “Ang bagal naman nito? Hindi pa ako lapitan.”) Nakasimangot ba siya kung tumitingin ka? (Ibig sabihin: “Ang kapaaaal ng mukha nito? Feeling nito like ko siya.”) May ibinubulong ba siya sa mga kasama niya? (Ok lang kung babae ang kasama niya, pero kung bumubulong ‘yan sa mga kasama niyang lalaki, tumakbo ka na at ipapabugbog ka na niyan.)
6. MAGLAKAD— … papalapit sa target girl/boy. Kung ngumiti rin ang babae sa iyo (hindi sa lalaki sa likuran mo ha.)– three or more glances are GOOD– ito na ang senyales na binibigyan ka niya ng permiso na makipagkilala. Lumapit ka at maglakad nang diretso, show confidence. Keep smiling. Keep your eyes looking straight at her eyes habang iniiwasan mong madapa, mabunggo ang ibang tao o lamesa or worse, maluha ang mga mata mo sa kakatitig. Pwede namang kumurap.
7. MAGSALITA—Tumigil ka half-an-arms length (28.2 cm—yes, I measured it) from her. Dapat nakangiti ka pa rin at hindi tumutulo ang laway mo dahil ngawit ka na sa kakangiti. Kung may laway ka, punasan mo muna. Pagkatapos, ito na ang perpektong pagkakataon para sabihin ang magic words (a) In Tagalog: “Hi, ako si…” (b) In English: “Hi, I’m…” or (c) Just mention your name: “Procopio Halibaybay…” habang iniaabot mo ang iyong kanang kamay para makipagkamay. DAPAT kang makipagkamay! Touching her hand is FIRST BASE.
Kung hindi mo alam ang sasabihin, CLICK THIS.
The rest is up to you, Valentino (or Valentina– ke may ahas ka sa buhok o wala).
WARNING: Never say, “Pwede bang makipagkilala…” dahil ‘pag sumagot yan nang “HiNdE!” sayang ang effort mo na magpa pa-cute at sinayang mo lang ang oras ko sa pagta-type nito.
Shower Time
BAGO ako maligo, pakisagot lang ang aking tanong:
Please, CLICK the “box” of your choice.
Then CLICK the “vote” button.
CLICK “view results” kung uzisero ka.
Tenkyu.
The Future’s So Gay
BAKIT nga ba parang pabata nang pabata ang mga bading ngayon? Sa mga susunod na araw pakinggan n’yo ang mga kinakanta at nilalaro ng mga bata sa kalye at kung maririnig n’yo ang mga sumusunod, tanggapin na lang natin nang maluwag sa dibdib that the future’s so gay!
Napanood n’yo ba itong episode na ito ng Bubble Gang ? After ipalabas ito, lahat ng bata sa baranggay namin ito na ang kinakanta.
NAALALA MO BA ANG LARONG ITO?
Sasara ang bulaklak. Bubuka ang bulaklak.
Papasok ang reyna. Sasayaw ng cha-cha.
Boom-tiyaya-boom. Tiyaya-boom. Ti-yeah-yeah.
Boom-tiyaya-boom. Tiyaya-boom. Ti-yeah-yeah.
Ah-boom!
BINAKLA NA NGAYON:
Bubukesh and floweret. Jojosok ang reynabelz.
Shochurva ng cha-cha. Pa-jembot-jembot fah.
Boom-tiyaya-vush, tiyaya-vush, che-nes.
Boom-tiyaya-vush, tiyaya-vush, che-nes.
Ah-vush!
EH, ANG CLASSIC ‘PENPEN DE SARAPEN” NOON?
Penpen de Sarapen, de kutsilyo de almasen.
How, how de carabao, batuten.
Pipit namamalipit. Ginto-pilak namumulaklak
Sa tabi ng dagat.
Sayang pula, tatlong pera. Sayang puti, tatlong salapi.
Bugbog. Manggang hinog.
‘ETO ANG REVIVAL GAY VERSION:
Pen pen de chorvaloo. De kemerloo. De eklavoo.
Hao, hao de chenelyn. De big yuten!
Sfriti! Dapat iipit. Goldness-filak na chumuchorva
Sa tabi ng chenes.
Shoyang fula, talong na fula.
Shoyang fute, talong na mafute.
Chuk-chak chenes. Namo uz ek!
ANG “TAGUAN-PUNG” NOON:
Tagu-taguan sa ilalim ng buwan.
Pagbilang kong sampu, nakatago na kayo!
Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima
Anim, pito, walo, siyam, sampu!
Handa man o hindi, ‘eto na ako.
BAKLA NA RIN NGAYON:
Shogu-shoguan, ningning galore ang buwan.
Pang-counting ng krompu, naka-shogu na kayey:
Jisa, krolawa, shotlo, kyopat, jima,
Kyonim, nyitoert, walochi, syamert, krompu!
Mga beki andetrax na si atashi!
‘Yun na!
Gays have taken over the world!
CLICK THE ‘PANGET’ PICTURE BELOW TO SEE THE TRUTH!
Ang Kabastusan Ay Nasa Bastos Na Utak Lang
NU’NG high school pa ako, mahilig kami ng mga kaklase ko na magdrowing ng mga larawang “bastos” (sa pader, sa maalikabok na kotse, sa basang bintana). Nakakatawa ‘yung mga reaksyon ng tao. Kaso nakakahiya ‘pag may nakakakita habang dinu-drowing mo pa lang. ‘Eto na ang solusyon. From Ewwwtube . Pindutin ang picture. Panoorin. Sauluhin. Gayahin.
scanned thoughts 