“Age” by Larry Miller
(by ely m.) WHILE digging into some more email trash that’s been clogging my yahoo account (been doing this for a couple of months now– I’m sure you’ve noticed if you’re a regular “scannedthoughtero”), I came across this classic philosophical chainmail disguised as internet goobledigook. The thing is, this one actually makes a lot of sense.
And having all the time in the world, I Googled for more info about it: about George Carlin mainly, because it was attributed to this late, great standup comic. Turns out, Carlin was not the author of this standup classic. It was actually Larry Miller.
We all know who George Carlin is (yes, he’s the ponytailed “Rufus” in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure“).
But who the hell is Larry Miller?
He’s the gay guy from “Princess Diaries 1 and 2“– the one who did the makeover for hottie Anne Hattaway.
So, this blog will help hopefully in setting the record straight: That Larry Miller is THE MAN!
And George Carlin had a totally diferent take on “Ageing”.
Here’s the whole Classic Email:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids?
If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. ‘How old are you?’
‘I’m four and A HALF!’
You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
‘How old are you?’
‘I’m GONNA be 16!’
You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.
“You BECOME 21. Yesss!!! “
But then you
TURN 30.
Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21
You TURN 30
then you’re PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away.
Before you know it,
you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!!
You MAKE it to 60.
You didn’t think you would!
So you
BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed
that you HIT 70!
After that it’s a day-by-day thing;
you HIT Wednesday!
You GET INTO your 80’s
and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn’t end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards;
‘I WAS JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
‘How old are you?’
‘I’m 100 AND A HALF!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
(Here’s the actual video of Larry doing this bit.)
Here’s George Carlin’s:
And here’s the source that definitely prove where the confusion started:
Case closed.
The WISDOM of UP Professors
FROM an antique e-mail. Still inspiring. Still very funny.
ON GRADES
“Oo, nagpapa-ulan ako ng Uno… baket? Aaanhin ko ba ’yun? ‘Di naman ako yayaman du’n.”
–Sir Atoy Navarro, Hist
Professor habang binubuksan ang isang box ng colored chalks:
“Ano ba naman ito?!” (sabay hagis sa table ng mga dark colored chalk)
Class: (Tahimik na nagmamasid)
Professor: “Class, sulatan n’yo ang manufacturer ng chalk na ito. Sabihin ninyong tanggalin na ang mga walang kuwentang kulay na ito: Brown, Green at Violet. Alam ba nilang hindi ito nakikita sa board? Convince them!”
Class: (Tahimik at nagulat)
Professor: “Sino man ang magsusulat +.25 sa Final Grade!”
Class: “Yahoooo!!!”
Isang Valentine’s Day:
“Ano ba ‘yan? Students ba kayo ng UP? Bakit ang bababa ng scores ninyo? Siguro wala kayong date ngayong Valentine’s kaya ganito kayo? Losers!!! When I was your age, I had a date. Hindi ba naapektuhan ng UP Fair euphoria ang grades ninyo? Parang hindi kayo masaya…” (sabay tapon ng quiz papers sa sahig). “I won’t record this. Go and find a date.” (sabay walk out ng classroom)
—Sir Doliente, BA.
Student: “Sir, nagbibigay po ba kayo ng partial points?”
Professor: “Hmmm… if I see partial wisdom.”
ON EXAMINATIONS
Professor to Class:
“I don’t give surprise long exams. All exams are announced. Kaya today I’m announcing, ‘Class, mag-e-exam tayo! NGAYON NA!’”
–Ma’am Chei
“Don’t take the Bar Exam and yourselves too seriously. Baka mabalitaan na lang naming, nag-o-oral summation kayo sa Luneta. O lumulutang-lutang sa Pasig River. Enjoy yourselves. Relax. At habang nag-re-relax kayo, read at least 15 hours a day. Mag-relax ka habang nag-babasa. Mag-relax ka habang nagme-memorize.”
“’Pag nananaba ka sa oras ng exams, ibig sabihin hindi ka papasa.”
–Anonymous Prof
“Kahit magpakamatay ka pa, ‘di mo masasagot ‘yang problem set na ‘yan—dahil wala ‘yang sagot. Hahahaha!”
“Mamatay na ang mangopya… at ang hindi maka-100—BOBO!”
–Hist Prof
Professor habang umuulan sa labas during a hard final exam:
“Ang lakas ng ulan. Ayos ‘yan, at least hindi halata ‘pag umiiyak.”
–Sir Agapito
ON STUDYING
Commenting on a thesis of a Senior Student:
“’Yang thesis mo… mamamatay ka! Mamamatay ka!!!”
–Dr. Llanes, UPM
Professor: “O, meron na ba sa inyong nakapunta sa pinakabagong Mall ng Metro Manila?”
Class: (Super-tahimik)
Professor: “Anoooo?! Puro na lang ba kayo aral? Aral lang kayo nang aral—wala kayong kapupuntahan sa kaaaral n’yo!”
In a class with one meeting left in the Term:
“Okay class, next week, we start the lecture proper.”
–Ma’am Vitriolo
Professor to Student:
“Running ka ba for Summa?—Mapapagod ka lang.”
Professor to Grad Student during a Thesis Defense: “Are you familiar with the book written by (name of the author)?”
Grad Student (kinakabahan): “Y-yes, Sir.”
Professor: “Okay. Ano ang kulay ng cover ng book na ‘yun?”
ON LOUSY STUDENTS
“Anong molars? You don’t say molars, because it’s an adjective! Do you say ‘Beautifuls’?”
–Ma’am Liao commenting on a student’s grammar
Professor to a freshman who would not stand up during recitation:
“Stand up, Miss — so that we might see the contours of your body. (Student stands) … Wow! Rape-able!”
“Sa mga taga-UP lang ako bilib, eh. Papasok sila sa Law School na hindi disoriented. Bilib ako sa study habits ng mga batang iyan. Some of them look like they eat kamote three times a day. Pero ang utak nila, hindi ututin!”
Professor to a noisy class:
“Bakit napakasaya ng klase n’yo?! Pwede bang maging sad naman kayo? 5 minutes of sadness—starting right now!”
Professor to a class na ayaw mag-recite:
“Wag kayong mahiya. You have nothing to lose but your face!”
–Geo11 Prof
“It’s okay to smoke in my class. As long as you don’t breathe it out.”
–Dr. Obsioma, Biodiversity
Professor to a student with braces:
“Ayan, hindi ka na makasagot. ‘Yung bakal sa ipin mo, naapektuhan na ‘yung pagsasalita mo.”
–Sir Tiamson, Span 11
After the first hour of a three hour lecture on Taxonomy:
“Class, gising pa ba kayo? Mukhang inaantok na kayo, ah. I understand… pati nga ako, inaantok na rin.”
–Dr. Gapud
Professor after giving a joke related to his lecture topic:
“’Yung mga hindi natawa sa joke ko, REPEATERS kayo ano? Narinig n’yo na kasi ‘yang joke na ‘yan. Sorry kayo. ‘Yan lang ang joke ko.”
ON BEING HUMAN
“The human body is 70% water. Kaya wala kayong kasaysayan lahat. ‘Pag may kaaway ka, sabihin mo sa kanya, TUBIG KA LANG!”
– Dr. Recio
“Try everything once, except incest.”
–Sir U Eliserio during a Creative Writing Class
“Nasa bandang gilid ang fallopian tube. Kaya kung gusto ninyong magka-anak ng asawa ninyo, dapat nakatagilid kayo habang gumagawa.”
–Ma’am Maggie, Zoo 10
“Yes, class—I AM GAY! I’m so gay I could show you my penis because it is but an accessory to my body.”
–Jean Navera, spcm 1
“Look at me. I’m 43 years old pero ang lakas-lakas ko pa. Kung walang gulay kakain ako ng damo. Kung walang tubig, mag-iipon na lang ako ng laway.”
“Birds of the same feather, FLOCK together… don’t forget the ‘L’”.
–SocSci Prof
ON RELATIONSHIPS
First day of Classes:
“Kung may boyfriend o girlfriend kayo na hindi taga-UP, hiwalayan n’yo na ngayon pa lang. Walang kapupuntahan ‘yang relasyon n’yo. Dahil hindi kayo magkakaintindihan. ‘Tapos ‘yung mga anak n’yo, magiging bobo. Gusto n’yo ba ‘yun?”
“And girls, ‘wag kayong kukuha ng boyfriend diro sa UP. Pare-pareho tayong mahirap dito. 80% of the child’s intelligence comes from the mother naman, eh. And guys, ‘wag kayong kukuha ng bobong babae. Kahit matalino kayo, magiging bobo pa rin ang mga anak n’yo.”
ON POWER
Professor : “Many people believe that we psychology professors can read minds… (Silence). Actually, we can.
Students: “Weh… sample…
Professor: “Right now, you think I’m bluffin.”
–Ma’am Chei Billedo, Psych
“Nu’ng freshie ako, atheist ako. Pero ‘pag nasa bahay, nagro-rosary kami ng nanay ko. Eh, kung magalit sa ‘kin ‘yun.”
–Socio 11 Professor
“Class, gusto ko kayong i-train na mag-English. So, when you’re here in my class, magsalita kayo ng English. Ako lang ang exempted dahil matanda na ako, at ako ang teacher!”
Prof to a student asking if he can sit in:
“We only accept members of a certain minority group in this class. For example, gays are part of a minority group. Bakla ka ba? If you admit that you are, then I’ll let you sit in.”
–Prof. “Hail to the Chair”
“The more wisdom you obtain, the more you should shut your mouth. This is because the more you learn, the more you realize that there are even more things that you do not know. The true mark of an idiot is a loudmouth. The true mark of a wise man is humility.”
–PI100. Puta, Best Prof sa CAL
ON OTHERS
Professor commenting on other Universities:
“Class, kaya ang mahal ng bayad sa mga professors sa ibang school kasi ang bobobo ng mga estudyante du’n. I used to teach in XXXXX at lumuluha talaga ako ng dugo bago maintindihan ng mga students ‘yung mga sinasabi ko. Ang mahal nga ng bayad, magkakasakit ka naman sa panga sa kauulit ng lessons. ‘Wag na lang. Dito na lang ako sa UP, et least, nagkakaintindihan tayo, ‘di ba?”
–Dr. David
Student: “Sir, pwede po bang maki-sit in ‘yung friends ko?”
Professor: “From what school are they?”
Student: “St. Scho po.”
Professor: “Go ahead. So they’ll realize what they’re missing.”
“Class, Chinatown is not in China. And Ateneo De Manila University is not… a university.”
–Prof name withheld upon request
“Si Mirriam, crush ko ‘yun dati. Muntikan na kaming maging kami. Kaso nasiraan siya ng ulo kaya ‘yun iba ang napangasawa ko.”
–Old UP Prof.
“Bilib ka kay Alan Peter Cayetano? Eh, ang bababa ng grades nu’n?!
–Ex-Prof ni Alan
ON LEAVING
“When you graduate, then you begin to live!”
–Dr. Jimenez, Psych 118
“To tell you the truth, I don’t much. I only know enough to teach my classes.”
–UP Socio Prof
scanned thoughts 